Queer Eye for the Wizarding Guy!
by fancifulpants
Summary: Hagrid is bored,and gets a mail order television, only to discover a wonderful new show....


"Queer eye for the Wizarding Guy!"  
  
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Disclaimer: I don't own "Queer Eye," I don't own "Harry Potter" and I don't know if I own the title "Tele4u" or not. It might exist, never know. Basically: I only own this idea, which I only THINK I own.  
  
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Kyan: Grooming Guru  
  
Jai: Culture Vulture  
  
Carson: Fashion Savant  
  
Ted: Food and Wine Connoisseur  
  
Thom: Design Doctor  
  
Hagrid: The Straight Guy  
  
Dean Thomas: Cameo guy  
  
Madame Maxime: The Girlfriend  
  
Others: Themselves!  
  
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Hagrid was sat on the bed in his cabin, mulling over what he was going to do that day.   
  
"Hmm…should I play with dangerous animals, or take a walk in the equally dangerous forbidden forest? Or should I play with dangerous animals, and THEN take a walk in the equally dangerous forbidden forest? Or Should I take a walk in the dangerous forbidden forest first, and then play with equally dangerous animals? Hmm…." Hagrid muttered to himself. During the long summer breaks, there wasn't much to do in his cabin. That's why he'd decided to order a muggle television from "Tele4u," a television company that accepted mail orders. 2 weeks ago, he'd used one of the school's owls to send a letter requesting a television, which included his address.   
  
"Hope they don't have trouble finding the place," Hagrid thought, "You know, since it's unplottable and all." The television company said that the TV would be arriving in 2 weeks, on July the 3rd. And today was indeed July the 3rd! Hagrid looked out the window, forgetting about dangerous animals for now.   
  
"Wonder when they'll be getting here?" He muttered softly, hoping against hope that he'd receive his new television soon, and hopefully with the large shipment of batteries he'd requested, since he didn't have any electricity.   
  
Ding Dong!  
  
It was the doorbell. Hagrid didn't know he even HAD a doorbell, he thought those things didn't work at Hogwarts, but maybe he was just far enough from the castle…. Maybe.   
  
Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong!!!!!!  
  
"Oh right, better answer that!" Hagrid thought, as he ran over to door, though he hardly needed to run, because the door was about 5 foot away. He opened the door and saw a teenage boy with brown skin, panting for breath, with a small mud covered bicycle against a tree, and a huge box under his arm. "Hello, there, what's this?"  
  
"A delivery…. for…. Mister…Rubeus…Hagrid." The young man asked between breaths. Hagrid suddenly noticed that he looked very….familiar.   
  
"Dean 'Thomas?" Hagrid said, looking at him strangely.   
  
"Yeah, it's a summer job. My parents are muggles, they wouldn't let me have a wizarding job, of course." Dean replied, wiping the sweat off of his forehead.   
  
"Ah, righ'." Hagrid replied.   
  
"I figured I'd be the only person who could find you, eh? So I took the deliveries for today. But I'd better get back if I think I'm going to get home before dark." Dean put the package with the television and cable box right inside the door, and ran back to the bicycle and pulled the large package of batteries out of the basket. He seemed to be having more trouble carrying the extensive load of batteries than he had with the television. Hagrid ran over and grabbed the batteries, accidentally picking up the tightly clinging Dean with them. Hagrid lowered the box down to wear Dean could let go and fall to the ground without injury, and carried the batteries into his hut. He thanked Dean, paid him 214 pounds, which he had recently picked up from Gringotts, for the television and batteries, and tipped him 10 sickles for his extensive journey. Dean gave a quick bow, thanked him, and road off on his dusty bicycle in the direction of Hogsmede.   
  
"Now, jus' ta' figure ou' how ta work it." Hagrid said. He took the television out of the box, placing the remote on his coffee table, and putting the batteries in the bottom. He took the cable box out of its packaging, and stuck it on the top of the television, switching wires around in the back, just to see if it would do anything. He finally found a suitable setting, after moving the TV and the table on which it sat to the back corner of the cramped cabin. Grabbing the remote and putting some batteries into it, he began to flip through the channels. He saw a show about a man fishing, and then a show about a man cooking. He saw a show about a man driving, and a show about a wedding, then a show about a baby. He flipped channels again and saw a show about shopping. They were selling antique porcelain gnomes, 37 in the series. The were selling out very fast, and Hagrid suddenly felt the need to purchase the gnome. His heart sped up and he became frantic. He surged the cabin high and low for his phone, but could not find it. Then, all of a sudden, Hagrid realized that he did not have a phone, and probably never would, as it's terribly hard to set up a phone connection out there, harder even than creating a cable connection.   
  
Resolving, though sadly, that he would never have even one of the set of 37 of the porcelain gnomes, Hagrid picked up his remote and continued channel surfing. Finding nothing satisfactory, Hagrid was channel surfing late into the night, and into the next day. In the early afternoon on the next day, Hagrid became so frustrated that he chucked his remote control at the wall, and the batteries popped out onto the floor. While Hagrid was searching for the batteries and the back to his remote, he took a glance at the television, to see 5 impeccably dressed men, and one rather ugly man with a long mullet at the "Marc Jacobs" in New York, US. Hagrid sat on his bed, forgetting about the batteries to watch this man shopping in a store Hagrid had never been to.   
  
"Now with your pale skin and your nice reddish brown hair, a nice black shirt with a tan sports jacket would look fabulous on you." Said the man with blonde hair, wearing a multicolored shirt and flattering khakis. The other man protested a little bit, but eventually tried it on, and, as it turned out, the blonde impeccably dressed man was right.   
  
"Now I'm going to go send you off to Kyan for some hair styling!" said the blonde man, touching the mullet man playfully, who recoiled against the touch of the overtly gay blonde man. He went to the other man, with darker hair, to have his hair professionally cut, and his nasty mullet was replaced with a nice medium-short cut, and a tub of styling gel.   
  
"I could use a hair cut like THAT!" Hagrid thought to himself, looking at the man's new stylish 'do, "Maybe Olympe would think I was attractive then, not so rough around the edges."   
  
The man with the mullet went to meet up with "Thom" for apartment make over tips. They met up at a store in the heart of the Big Apple with sleek leather furniture, and nice light colored wood tables. They chose some streamlined black leather couches, with some bright green leather chairs for a nice "Spicy contrast" against the mostly plum and red-orange walls. Meeting up with another designer, a smaller tan skinned man with black, short, wavy hair, met at an art gallery downtown. He chose some pieces of original artwork on paper, and some nice frames with the help of Jai, the designer. The man with the mullet left Jai to find the final member of their cast, Ted, the food and wine expert. They met at a nice Italian grocery, where they picked out some perfect ingredients for his "Special date" with his girlfriend, in which he intended to propose. When he got home, the overtly gay men had completely redone his aparment! His vibrant walls were littered with brilliant paintings, and the furniture was arranged perfectly for the energy in the room. The windows had new curtains, and his bedroom was actually clean for the first time in ages. He was shown by each of the men how to dress, or fix his hair, and then his big time came. He quickly fixed the ravioli, then showered and styled his hair, putting on the fabulous sportswear outfit that Carson, the fashionable gay guy, had put together for him, while the guys, all of whom were obviously gay, watched him on a small television screen. The evening was perfect when his girlfriend came over, they had a romantic dinner in his bright new dining room, and then he popped the question over a candle lit desert. Hagrid found himself tearing up as his girlfriend accepted, and became his fiancé.   
  
"That's what I need for me!" Hagrid pondered, "I need to get made over by a bunch of inherently gay men, and be incredibly attractive."  
  
"If you have anyone who you would like to nominate to appear on "Queer Eye for the straight guy, please call us at, 1-800-GAY-GUYS (a/n: not actual number) or write to us at," the end of the show stated. Hagrid quickly wrote down the address that followed. Of course, he was going to nominate himself. He quickly wrote an assessment of why he thought he should appear on their show, and tied the letter to the leg of a school barn own, who was to drop it into the mail box outside of this studio. He decided not to worry about it now, however, because it was a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" marathon, and he just didn't want to miss a moment of Carson, Kyan, Thom, Jai or Ted.   
  
3 weeks later, Hagrid was watching another side splitting episode of man made make overs, and gay guys flirting with straight guys. He flipped in just in time for their latest victim to yell, "Zuchinni!" to alert Kyan that Carson was making him feel uncomfortable, having followed him into his dressing room. Hagrid chuckled good-naturedly. All of the sudden, an owl swooped down, handing Hagrid a letter. Hagrid was curious as to who had sent it, and how they had found him. But it read:   
  
Dear Rubeus Hagrid,   
  
You have been chosen to appear on an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!" You sound like just the kind of person we want to do on our show. Thanks for trying out, we will see you in August on the August 7 edition of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!" Call, email, or write for additional information. Congratulations!  
  
Love Ya,  
  
The Fab Five  
  
Hagrid was giddy with glee. He looked around his cabin. It could use quite a bit of sprucing, couldn't it? And his hair could use a serious cut. His wardrobe was incredibly outdated, though it would be hard to find clothes to fit him. He was so excited he could hardly stand. How wonderful to be able to go back to Hogwarts a changed man! But he knew he would have to wait just a little bit longer.   
  
"August 7th…. August 7th…." He chanted in his head. At least the wait wouldn't be TOO long. 


End file.
